CHRIST EXAMPLE OF RELATIONSHIP

(By Barrington H. Brennen, MA, NCP – An extract from his article entitled: Why do Christian Husbands Abuse Their Wives? (Part Two)

This greed for power and control has revealed itself over the millenniums first through gender hierarchy, then slavery, racism, communism, totalitarianism, spouse abuse, incest, child abuse, murder, rape, etc. A basic assumption of all these forms of abuse is that one group of individuals feels it is superior to another group of individuals.

Satan knew that if he could destroy the egalitarian plan of God for the family, eventually all other forms of abuse would follow. Thus, his campaign for supremacy would be successful.

God himself stated in Genesis 3:16 very clearly that gender hierarchy was a direct result of sin with the words “and he (man) shall rule over you (woman).” This idea was not God’s plan. It was Satan’s strategy–a result of sin.

“God created man (human beings) in His image. In His image God, created He him (human beings), male and female created He them.” (Genesis 1:27).

In addition, God gave Adam and Eve–both of them–dominance over the animals not over each other (Genesis 1:28).  Clearly both Adam and Eve were created in the image of God. Together they reflected God’s image.

In essence, male dominance teaches that males were created in the image of God and females were created in the image of man. There are no Biblical texts or teachings that support the idea that Eve was to be subordinated to Adam. Jesus told his disciples: “When you see me you see the father . . . I and my father are one.” This was to be the example of male/female relationship.

CHRIST EXAMPLE

When Jesus came to earth almost two thousand years ago, He met a world infested with national prejudice, religious abuse, slavery, racism, and male dominance. He showed by His own lifestyle how we should treat each other. He was gentle, kind, nurturing, compassionate and loving. Jesus cried publicly at Lazarus grave side. In Christ’s day and even today, these expressions are considered emotionally weak and feminine and are not to be expressed by men.

Jesus lifted the level of women from that of unimportance and inferiority to that of great prominence and equality.

One of the most effective ways that greed for power and control has reigned supreme is through religious abuse. This was demonstrated through the dark ages when emperors, kings and religious leaders slaughtered millions of Christians—non-Protestants were superior to Protestants. Its ugly head was again revealed during the holocaust, when millions of Jews were killed—Germans were superior to Jews. In the past two years, we have seen it in Bosnian, Kosova, and Rwanda—one tribe superior to another.

RELIGIOUS ABUSE

We have learned that religious abuse, a form of emotional/psychological abuse, is a way many Christian Bahamian men abuse their partners.

Religious abuse occurs when someone makes you feel that it is your Christian duty to stay in an abusive relationship. It is using texts out of context to perpetuate domestic abuse, to encourage a partner to be submissive to an abusive mate. It is also when a husband constantly reminds his wife about her “Christian duty” to be submissive and to respect him as the head of the house, and placing himself as “king of the castle.”

Our Bahamian society is poisoned with the venomous sap of family abuse. How could a “Christian nation” be so poisoned, so sinful, and wretched?

In reality, the churches have laid the foundation for such abusive behavior. The church is powerful. It has preached submission to husbands “no matter what.” The church has taught that reconciliation is staying with an abusive partner because “a gentle, Christlike, meek spirit will win him over.” It has taught that Christian forgiveness means returning to a threatening, dangerous relationship. It has kept quiet in a world which resonates with cries of abused women and children. It has denied, covered-up, and minimized the abuse of church leaders, and other Christian men, thus demanding no accountability, no change. Who has to change? It is always the woman. In reality this is not ministry of reconciliation.

Christian Psychologist, James Alsdurf says

“The church is called to bind up the bruises of women who have suffered not only form the violence of their spouses, but also from the passive violence of a church which has failed to recognize their situation and intervene on their behalf.”

It is time to teach that true reconciliation and healing can occur only after the spouse separates from an abusive partner, the police are called, and he is held accountable for his behavior.

The prophet Ezekiel gives a timely message to pastors and church leaders today. He gives a warning to those who have been appointed to “take care of the flock” and who have failed in their responsibilities. Ezekiel does not mince words:

“You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured . . . You have ruled harshly and brutally” (Ezekiel 34:4).

“And, because of such harsh rule, because of the dismissal of the plight and pain of the sheep, because of the complicity of the shepherds (pastors) with evil, I am against the shepherds (pastors) and will hold them accountable for my flock, I will remove them from tending the flock.” (Verse 10)

DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST? GET OUT

Richard Skeritt writes:

Deal with the Abuse.

Is your partner a narcissist? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Narcissists work hard to distort our reality to make their reality feel safer.

So what is a narcissist?

Someone who preens in front of the mirror all day in admiration? NOT! Ask yourself this: is your partner intensely angered by anything that seems to suggest that he or she might have a flaw?

Narcissists will do anything, including brutalizing their own family, to maintain their own feeling that others see them as without any flaws. And, narcissists have extreme and illogical sensitivities, sometimes connecting the most minute observations with their intense fears of being seen as flawed.

Narcissists will strain every muscle to meet their own “flawless” image, and demean or destroy anyone or anything who casts any doubt on this image. If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you are very probably dealing with a narcissist.

Overcome the Love Locking You In

Many of us ended up in unhealthy relationships because, in the beginning, our partners held up a false front. Many of us felt or thought that we had met our soul mate; found the perfect partner; met that one special person in the universe. It’s no surprise that we can fall in love with someone like this!

Later, usually after we’ve made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after the relationship changes due to children being born, a job change, or other major life changes, our partner shows a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical. When alcohol or drugs are involved, the substance abuse usually takes a big step up, too.  From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn!

At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to someone who is abusing you?

While you can’t turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop – hopefully toward someone who’s better for us.

The really sad part is that our minds create these feelings so that we’ll be motivated to engage in a relationship that meets our emotional needs, yet those same feelings can end up locking us in, pulling back again into a broken relationship that just can’t fill those needs! Its like a trap, one that we need new understanding to get out of.

Deal with the Abuse

Disordered people aren’t just hurtful. They also spin our reality to make theirs less painful. They project their problems onto us, and blame us for what they do.

After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we’re the crazy ones.

What’s more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively, concealing their disease from most people, causing us further confusion.

The truth is, THEY’RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior.

Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of “What do I do now that I know this?” For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about.

Abusive relationships are very hurtful situations, and significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved.

Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.

Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can’t make decisions.

It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives – needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations.

It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure.

As I said already, dealing with feelings of love is a huge barrier for many. My book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.

Written by Richard Skeritt.

Books :

• Surviving the Storm – Strategies and Realities when divorcing a Narcissist by Richard Skeritt.
• Tears and Healing by Richard Skeritt.

THIS IS MY RESEARCH ON NARCISSISTIC DISORDER

Join us at http://scars2starsministry.wordpress.com/ and share your experience and healing, help someone else overcome their pain and live the life God intended them to live.  LIVING AND LOVING ONE ANOTHER.

WHAT IS NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

An article from The Cleveland Clinic Foundation:

Narcissism is a term used to describe a focus on the self and self-admiration that is taken to an extreme. The word “narcissism” comes from a Greek myth in which a handsome young man named Narcissus sees his reflection in a pool of water and falls in love with it.

Narcissistic personality disorder is one of a group of conditions called dramatic personality disorders. People with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, and a distorted self-image. Narcissistic personality disorder is further characterized by an abnormal love of self, an exaggerated sense of superiority and importance, and a preoccupation with success and power. However, these attitudes and behaviors do not reflect true self-confidence. Instead, the attitudes conceal a deep sense of insecurity and a fragile self-esteem. People with this personality disorder also tend to set unrealistic goals.

What are the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder?

In many cases, people with narcissistic personality disorder:

• Are self-centered and boastful
• Seek constant attention and admiration
• Consider themselves better than others
• Exaggerate their talents and achievements
• Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
• Are easily hurt but might not show it
• Might take advantage of others to achieve their goals

Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include the following:

• Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
• Belief that he or she is “special” and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
• Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
• Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others
• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
• Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame, and humiliation
• Arrogant behavior and/or attitude

What causes narcissistic personality disorder?

The exact cause of narcissistic personality disorder is not known. However, many mental health professionals believe it results from extremes in child rearing. For example, the disorder might develop as the result of excessive pampering, or when a child’s parents have a need for their children to be talented or special in order to maintain their own self-esteem. On the other end of the spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder might develop as the result of neglect or abuse and trauma inflicted by parents or other authority figures during childhood. The disorder usually is evident by early adulthood.

How is narcissistic personality disorder diagnosed?

If symptoms are present, the doctor will begin an evaluation by performing a complete medical history and physical exam. Although there are no laboratory tests to specifically diagnose personality disorders, the doctor might use various diagnostic tests—such as X-rays and blood tests—to rule out a physical illness as the cause of the symptoms.

If the doctor finds no physical reason for the symptoms, he or she might refer the person to a psychiatrist or psychologist, health care professionals who are specially trained to diagnose and treat mental illnesses. Psychiatrists and psychologists use specially designed interview and assessment tools to evaluate a person for a personality disorder.

How is narcissistic personality disorder treated?

There is no known cure for narcissistic personality disorder, but psychotherapy (a type of counseling) might help the person learn to relate to others in a more positive and rewarding way. Psychotherapy tries to provide the person with greater insight into his or her problems and attitudes in the hope that this will change behavior. The goal of therapy is to help the person develop a better self-esteem and more realistic expectations of others. Medicine might be used to treat the distressing symptoms, such as behavioral problems, that might occur with this disorder.

What are the complications of narcissistic personality disorder?

People with narcissistic personality disorder might abuse drugs and/or alcohol as a way of coping with their symptoms. The disorder also might interfere with the development of healthy relationships with others.

What is the outlook for people with narcissistic personality disorder?

The prognosis depends on the severity of the disorder.

Can narcissistic personality disorder be prevented?

There is no known way to prevent narcissistic personality disorder.

© Copyright 1995-2009 The Cleveland Clinic Foundation. All rights reserved.

Abused Ministers’ Wives

A minister’s wife is absolutely the LAST person you would ever suspect was being abused.

“Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; who substitue bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight.”  (Isaiah 5:20-21)

Women are battered every 30 seconds in this country physically, mentally, verbally and emotionally. And after years of enduring the abuse and hoping for a miracle, some of them are killed or they end up killing the abuser. But the absolute LAST woman one would ever think would find herself in an abusive situation would be the minister’s wife. Not only is she regarded as a “saint” but even more so, her husband is considered “perfect” in the eyes of his congregation, and society.

But the real truth is there are many minister’s wives who are being beaten, abused, and treated like scum by their pastor husbands and who are enduring a silent “hell” because to expose him would mean ruining his career, his ministry and destroy the faith of a congregation.

How does one explain that the man who preaches to them every Sunday about love, peace, joy, patience, endurance, family, children, and all the other morals of society that we seek to emulate, comes down out of that pulpit and goes home and beats his wife? Actually turns into a “monster?”

Hard to believe, but it is happening as I write these words. Because there are ministers out there who are Psychopaths, wolves in sheep’s clothing that the Bible warns us about. Pretending to be one thing, but they are actually just the opposite. See my article on
“Do you live with a Psychopath?”

It starts out very subtle. Most minister’s wives have supported their minister husbands through seminary, maybe even worked to put him through seminary, dutifully listened to him practice his sermons on her at home, worn the “many hats” that the congregation places on her head, like choir director, Sunday school teacher, youth director, secretary, President of the women’s society, entertained the parsonage committee, headed up Vacation Bible School, etc.

And through all of this, she is being called ugly names by her minister husband, like “fat”, “ugly”, “stupid”, etc. She could be being kicked, slapped, shoved, thrown, punched, had her life threatened, etc. all of this and more at home, behind the closed doors of the parsonage, and no one would ever know. Because they look like such a happy family at church.

She herself is having a hard time believing that this man who she loves, and who preaches God’s love, would hate and slowly destroy his wife. This is not what she thought being married to a minister was all about. And because she is very spiritual herself, and may even be a great student of the Bible, she believes that if she just tries harder, there would be nothing for her husband to complain about.

How does one endure a beating on a Saturday night and then get up on Sunday morning, get the children ready and then show up and sit in the front pew, right in front of the person who beat her, with a smile on her face, and have to listen to him preach his sermon on “How to love your wife?” When the reality is he just threw her down the kitchen stairs the night before?

How does she show up at all the hundreds of church functions acting as if nothing is happening? Does she wear long sleeves to hide her bruises? Does she show up in a neck brace one Sunday because her pastor husband threw her into a wall, but tell the congregation that her dog pulled her off her front porch?

Does she pray to God every night to help her to become more attractive to her husband? Or more submissive? Or does she ask God to change her husband?

Does she worry about what the congregation would do if she told them, at the same time realizing that they might not belive her?

Just exactly HOW does she sit in that front pew, smiling, responding to the sermon or the little jokes that her husband makes about her in the Sunday service, and not vomit as he reads beautiful scriptures about LOVE?

And what about the children? Do they witness their mother being abused, and then are they told to keep quiet about things? Do they have to “smile right along with her in church? Does she know that one day he will abuse the children as well if not already? Does she see that the children are becoming very cynical about a God who does nothing about changing their father? Just exactly what are they learning about God anyway?

And what does she do when her minister husband openly flirts with the women in the church and compliments them on how pretty they look, right in front of her, and then goes home and tells his wife that she is fat and ugly, even if it is not true?

And what does she do when she knows the community and the congregation will probably not believe her and rally around the minister? And how about the fact that if she goes to the District Superintendent or the church hierarchy and they don’t believe her?

Well, there comes a point when enough is enough. That time comes differently for different women, but sooner or later he will do the one last thing that breaks the final straw. That is when she ceases to be afraid of him. When protecting the children becomes more important than protecting his job, or the congregation’s opinion of him.

She realizes that “the pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of making a change in her life.”

And she comes to the point where his hypocrisy is more than she can defend or bare.

Does she get to the point where she hates him, and it makes her sick to hear him preaching from the pulpit all these platitudes as if he actually believed or knew what they meant, and she wishes he would die, or get in an accident, or never ever come home again?

Has she several times almost called up the district superintendent, or the bishop to tell them what he is doing to her, and then realized that they probably won’t believe her, but they will support him?

Does she get angry at God for allowing this to happen? Does she question God’s ability to protect her and her children? Or does she build up tremendous resentment towards God?

Each minister’s wife will have her own story to tell. Is her husband good looking, charming, have a real gift for gab, but is he the biggest hypocrite that ever lived, yet all the people in the congregation just LOVE him?

And how hard is it to open in the mail all those “thank you” cards from various members of the congregation writing beautiful words of gratitude and compliments to your husband about what a wonderful man he is, and how they could “not have made it through the funeral, or the wedding, or the accident or some other crisis without him?

Especially the little old ladies whose husbands he buried, and how about the brides he married, and the babies he baptized? It all seems so unbelievable that it has turned out like this doesn’t it? This man, who you believed in and loved deeply has now become your worst enemy. You are afraid he may actually kill you one day, because he has already threatened to.

Well take hope …. it can be done ….. God will do it for you if you can’t. He will get you OUT of that marriage with your soul and your children intact. But YOU must “let go” of the dream that your husband will ever change, or it is your fault, or you are too fat, or too thin, or not a good mother, etc. and all the other names he can think up.

Men who batter women are sick. Their problems have nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with their childhood, their relationship with their parents, especially their mothers, and most importantly their relationship with God.

YOU CANNOT FIX THEM.

And more importantly, if you have a good relationship with God, hiding your husband’s abuse is as hypocritical as his hiding his abuse of you. You are not doing your children or the congregation any favors by allowing this to continue. Even if your husband has helped people in the church what do you think they would think if they knew that the man who married them, for example ALSO beats you? Would you want that type of minister to officiate at your wedding, your funeral, baptize your baby?

SOMEONE in the clergy family HAS to be HONEST for your sake, for the sake of your children, who are being abused everyday by having to sit and watch this “lie” that is in your home, and your marriage, and it is also giving them the WRONG idea of who God is.

Come, Rest and Recover…

Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.

Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
Do not fret—it only causes harm.

For evildoers shall be cut off;
But those who wait on the LORD,
They shall inherit the earth.
For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;
Indeed, you will look carefully for his place,
But it shall be no more.
But the meek shall inherit the earth,
And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

(Psalm 37:5-11, NKJ)